What is love? (part IV)
So, after all that rambling, what do I think Love is? It’s oddly, unexpectedly simple — almost startlingly so. I could puff it up with more verbiage… but if that’s what we want, we can turn to media for that.
| “But there is such a thing as genuine love, which is always considerate. Its distinguishing characteristic is, in fact, regard for personal dignity. Its effect is to stimulate self-respect in the other person. Its concern is to help the loved one become their true self. In a mysterious way such love finds its truest realization in its power to stimulate the other to attain their highest self-realization.” — Romano Guardini |
It’s when you’re having an argument with a beloved, and it suddenly hits you how unimportant the argument is, compared to your relationship with your sweetie — and you don’t care if there’s a ‘winner’ in the argument any more, because there’s someone else besides you at the center of your personal universe.
It’s when your sweetie is working hard on a project and has forgotten you, and you’ve made a plate of apple slices and cheese & crackers, set it silently next to them, and been delighted they ate it all, without them even realizing you put it there… because it’s more important to you they’re healthy and happy, than that you get a thank you.
It’s taking out the garbage, or doing the laundry, or washing the dishes, because it needs doing — not so you can feel self-righteous about it; not because it’s ‘your turn.’
Love
What is Love? Real, true, deep Love, to me, is that feeling you have when there’s someone(s) in your life whose comfort and happiness is more important than your own.
Joy and happy loving to you all.
(Note from Collie: This comment is reprinted from the original posting, with my replies in blockquotes)
I thought I’d toss in another angle of looking at this, because there’s more to it. I’m not clear what’s meant by ‘in order to elicit a particular response.’ It may just be we’re talking past each other here.
Keeping a clean house or doing things like putting the toilet seat down, ideally, as part of housekeeping, should be something that has been talked out and agreed upon by the people in question. Now, arbitrarily just demanding, without discussion, that Things Be Done a certain way is certainly controlling. But once an agreement has been made, repeated failure to abide by that agreement becomes something else — absent-mindedness in need of an antidote, and often, a lack of respect for the agreements that one’s made (typically because the person doesn’t see it as a big deal).
Regarding early Christian attitudes towards marriage and such, I highly recommend Elaine Pagel’s work (if you haven’t read her books already, I suspect you may have) for a more nuanced take on the struggle to define some of those matters in early Christian communities.
(Note from Collie: This comment is reprinted from the original posting, with my replies in blockquotes)
Wow. You have brilliant thoughts and brilliant friends; you shed light on the pointless rituals of love as well as the true meaning behind it; and this is one of those web pages I want to bookmark and save and read again when I really am in love, but somehow I know it’ll slip my mind and I’ll have to learn all this the hard way. :)
Points which specifically caught my attention:
– Love versus duty. The most powerful female figures in my life are women who have made me express my love through duty, and maybe that’s why today I haven’t quite separated the two concepts completely in my mind.
– Diamonds. Ack. Just, ack. How… manipulative of the diamond industry.
– Mind-reading. Ack, again. You’re absolutely right that it’s all about innocence and diamonds. I’m reminded of how my mother gets mad at my father for never taking her out someplace as a surprise, but then she complains about all the places he’s taken her; she wants it to be a surprise, as long as he’s cleared the details with her first.
My apologies for the delay in getting around to reading this – and my thanks to you for sharing it with me. :)
(Note from Collie: This comment is reprinted from the original posting)
Wow – that section on ‘limerence’ is really helping me find a lot of answers! Thanks! =D
(Note from Collie: This comment is reprinted from the original posting)
Most of what you said about love matches very closely with what I believe, but I would go a bit further… Love isn’t about feeling at all; it’s about doing. Doing for others because you care about what’s best for them and what they want or like, not because you feel you have to (duty) or you think you’ll get something in return (exploitation).
The feelings we have when we are with or thinking of our beloved aren’t the actual love. They may be lust, adoration, desire, insecurity (due to opening one’s personal boundaries), security (due to being loved), gratitude, etc. But that’s all too complicated, so we say that we “feel” love.
Love is making coffee for your sweetie even though you don’t drink it yourself because you know he’ll appreciate it. Love is nursing your baby at 2am when you’re so sleep deprived that you can’t think straight because you know that you’ll catch up on the sleep eventually and your baby will have a lifetime of health benefits. Love is helping a friend move because it will make her life a bit easier, and all the other examples you give near the end of your article.
To put it more succinctly: Love is a verb.
(Note from Collie: This comment is reprinted from the original posting)
I feel better about not knowing what “limerence” is. I didn’t when we first discussed it, and I didn’t when I read the links in the article. If it’s not in the dictionary, how am I expected to know it? I’m glad it isn’t used a great deal in the article. It is interesting to put the word there.
You weren’t kidding when you said “You can skip the depressing, realistic part” to read, “the depressing, harsh, realistic part.” Some of the commentary you have put in is very pointy. True, but harsh.
re: coffee — Bob doesn’t always drink the coffee he makes for himself when it’s hot, why would you expect him to drink coffee you made while it’s hot? =) (He’s the wierdest coffee nazi I know, drinking cold coffee.)
It’s [the Shelley quote] a good quote.
God made sex so much fun it’s evil, obviously, to make sure people did it. If it weren’t forbidden, He’d never have gotten teenagers everywhere to do it as often as possible, and that’s what was required at that time, of course. =)
The consideration of the Biblical marriage being the woman being given to the family is probably more accurate than most people want to think. I wonder how “handmaids” was originally written, and if they were really “junior wives” or some other multiple-wives scenario that modern Christians don’t want to hear about. Part of me can only hope, mostly to watch the Christian squirm, not because I expect or particularly want multiple wives.
I like the comment about diamonds and smoking. Very true.
I like (and had a very similar description of) your description of love.