Birthday thoughts
Today is my 50th birthday.
Lying in bed this morning, listening with pleasure to the lovely silvery sound of the falling rain, I found myself pondering an alarming dream from last night, where I had to save the life of a feral kitten from a thoughtlessly cruel acquaintance — a kitten I unwittingly handed over to him.
I consider what this dream is trying to tell me. Am I missing out on life’s wonder, due to an insistence it be clean and domesticated and tidy? Is there something waiting for me, soon to be found in my life travels, that will be life and death — that I will have to either protect or resuscitate? Do the thoughtlessly cruel acquaintance and the kitten signify something in my own Self, or something outside me? Why this dream, on this birthday eve?
I am 50 today. I wonder slightly at that. I have half a century of life experience under my belt now. I think back a bit, and have to smile. This is my time of life; a time where I’ve finally started truly liking and caring for who I am… a time where I’ve been laying aside protective but isolating personal armor… that I can see now I didn’t really need. It’s a time when I have finally confidently shed the false skin of “trying to be pretty to attract male attention” and “never pretty or good enough” that my culture believes I should wear.
I am who I am, and I am working toward who I want to be. I am proud of that. That person does not need to worry about whether or not men find me physically attractive, because I am already, to my Self. I have two kind and loving men in my life, and I choose to see my Self reflected in my own happiness. My Self knows she is — that I am — brilliant and beautiful, inside and out.
I think I may safely call myself a Crone now. :)
Thank you, Lou! You’re so sweet. ;)
It’s nice to see you’re feeling so good about yourself and your place in the world. Lots of people never get there at all.
You may be 50, but you don’t look or act it. The news that we celebrated your 50th birthday stunned one of my co-workers, who was surprised you were over 40.
You haven’t got the retreat into conservatism and dogma that many people wind up with and are still looking out at the world with curiosity, eagerness, and wit.
You’re only as old as you feel. Keep feeling good.
Thank you so much, Rick — you’re such a sweetheart! It’s funny to hear that you found me worldly, since I remember feeling nervous and insecure so much through college. Hopefully we’ve both moved past that by now. :)
Wow! You’re only 3 years older than me! Somehow, though I never actually contemplated the numbers, I had always assumed it to be more. Perhaps because when we met I was a very un-worldly 18 and you seemed so wise and, well, worldly. And, not that you need such affirmations but I’ll say it anyway, you have always been exceedingly beautiful to me. Happy Birthday, my friend. :-)