The “Goddess Array” in Wolf’s Vagina: A New Biography, pt. 3

I apologize that, due to Wolf’s writing resonating powerfully for me, I’m falling back on massive quotes more than I would like to. In my defense I will note that I feel she writes with more clarifying passion than I do, and I want to share that in its purest and clearest form with my readers, rather than fumble through trying to explain it. This also means I’m just going to list the steps Wolf suggests women’s partners take in order to reawaken and reclaim the Goddess Array, since I really don’t feel I can do justice to them. Keep in mind simply going through the motions in a mechanical fashion, or with the intention of manipulating her, will not give the desired results, of course. Also, you can’t simply run through these only when sex is desired. Many of them (such as stroking her, telling her she’s beautiful, and valuing her) should be part of normal daily communication, so she feels deeply safe, relaxed, and loved. So, here is the Goddess Array, with page numbers — but please read the book for the best explanation!

First, value her and help her: let her know verbally that you cherish her and are committed to her (273); tell her she’s beautiful so she feels truly safe (311). Bring her flowers, dim the lights, help her relax: such appreciative little gestures ensure a peaceful and safe environment for sensuality, and ignite her desire (276). Help her go into the loss of control of an orgasmic trance state by letting her know she is safe and can let go; you’re not going to drop her (283). Hug her, cuddle her, take her slow dancing — your scent is far more important to her than you may realize (288). Trust her enough to gaze into her eyes, so she can read your desire for her (296). Talk to her and listen to her; going silent evolutionarily creates anxiety for women (299). Don’t snap at her — that will trigger a “fight or flight” reaction — but rather stroke slowly instead to drop her anxiety levels (301).

Moving on to the more sensual parts of the Goddess Array, find her “Sacred Spot” and then hang out there far longer than you think reasonable (307). This next one can be difficult, and likely varies from woman to woman: don’t be scary but also don’t be boring (314). Odd though it may sound, do whatever she likes to her nipples — the oxytocin release that generates is critical to bonding (320). While still practicing safe sex, ejaculate for her if you can: semen contains trace mood elevators (321).

This may sound like a lot, but it is well worth the effort — and, as Wolf notes, it helps increase bonding between the two of you. Neglecting the Goddess Array will inadvertently drive her crazy (324); she may not be able to say what precisely it is that so annoys her about you, but she’ll certainly not be at all interested. Taking the time to so cherish your beloved, however, makes a huge difference. As Wolf notes, when women were given the chance to categorize the experience of their own orgasms while their Goddess Array was being fully appreciated, they frequently came up with the same exquisite poetic designation: “Showers of stars” (328). As Wolf beautifully and inspirationally muses:

But I would argue, less literally, that “the Goddess” — a gendered sense of self that is shining, without damage, without anxiety or fear — inheres in every woman, and that women tend intuitively to know when they have glimpsed it or touched upon it. When women realize the spark of “the Goddess” in themselves, healthier, more self-respecting, and other sexual behavior follows. The vagina serves, physiologically, to activate this matrix of chemicals that feel, to the female brain, like “the Goddess” — that is, like an awareness of one’s own great dignity, and of great self-love as a woman, as a radiant part of the universal feminine. (10)

Wolf’s prose is both a beautiful encouragement towards this lovelier and more connected sense of living for women, and an embodiment of its dramatic effects. I would encourage all women, and the men who care for them, to do their best to also embody this healthier and more loving way of living.